Palpitations take over her every step, with the thought of him being there; consuming her mind with a fear so dark and deep. Engaged in paranoia, she is forced to decline every rational thought that she is thinking.Tripping in the midst of her panic whilst sitting down – she’s on train tracks not knowing if she’s going to be able to pick herself back up again. “He will be there… he’s going to take me, I’m going to die all over again,”
Each trip is different without any trends of duration. “When will these demons stop following me, why can’t they leave me alone,”
She cries and screams in frustration, pain, and anger. A cocktail of emotions is the mixture that is life in hard liquor. Hanging from ceilings one day to the next is not a life she imagined and now she’s up so high and the laws of what goes up must come back down, are going to come into play. But of course, she knows that,
living the life that she is forced to live every day.
Frozen. She was unable to move. Focusing on her unsteady breathing was what made it over so much quicker, even though the air was so thick and still. She couldn’t coordinate her speech with her tongue, and she was torn between her choice of words plus the moral ethics of the situation itself. “It’s my fault,” she thought. “It’s your fault,” he said.
He was aggressive and harsh. Abrasive. His thoughts were clouded with anger and maintaining his pride was his only concern. She had to be aware of who is in control at all times- even though she had done nothing wrong. “I need to remind you of your place,” he said. “I forgot my place again,” she thought.
“I could have just…”. “Maybe I did…”. But she was unable to finish her thoughts. Because every wrong touch and every breath she felt, altered what was, a rational mind. Her heart ached with shame and regret. “I thought I could trust him,” she thought. “Now you’ll never defy your loyalty to me,” he exclaimed.
A sob was gradually building up in her throat like a dormant volcano. But suddenly she was extinct. Everything that she ever was, had just suddenly disappeared. All in one moment. He took everything from her. She laid still and reserved, her thoughts finally silent.
“I love you though,” he replied simply.
“I love you too for fuck’s sake. That’s what makes it so fucking hard. You just don’t get it, do you? It’s because of love, we are like this. Love isn’t supposed to be so destructive. You can’t hurt what you love, it doesn’t make sense. I don’t need a fairy tale to teach me that. You’ve ruined us. But it was me that stayed no matter what you did because the idea of being without you; it makes me feel so lost. I always had this ounce of hope, ”
“It was all me, its all my fault…please,” he now pleaded.
” No. It wasn’t my choice to love you, but it was my choice to stay. So I guess that makes me the one who is in the wrong. You only hurt me, but it was me. It was me who held on. I held on to the idea of love. Now I’m letting you go because like the books always say, if you love something let it go,“
She is torn between the inevitable, yet the unknown. She is still vulnerable to deception, everything is still fragile deep within her soul. She’s solid, plain black around the edges, but mushy like melted marshmallows within the center hole. She searches for acceptance and searching for approval…without even knowing what she is looking for.
He feels insane. It’s as if he has a map with a clear path, yet there’s a misty fog leading him astray. Ashes fill his lungs, cloudy with smoke and dust, his temper is raging amongst it all. But what is clear through the clouds of smoke, is his heart beating and it shines of gold.
Their pain contrasts in this world full of lies and heartless souls. What they go through isn’t reflective of everything they’ve ever done and known. It’s so confusing, why God why for us is it so cold. The sun is shining on everyone just not me and my sunshine, who gives me rays of hope.
He has questions for the world. Her world is only him and she wants imprint as someone special in the universe. She pushed, he shoved. He didn’t understand though. She cried, he wept. Her tears never went though. The earth shook and there was a milestone. But what can be achieved when they didn’t learn to be alone.
She would watch it swim back and forth. Just left to right, left to right. It was funny how every time she watched it, it would be the same routine. Sometimes it was as if it would glance over at her. She made herself believe that anyway. A form of self-comfort I guess. “My only little friend. The only life that experienced my life with me through its own eyes. Swim little fishy swim,”
She was so happy when it came home. “My first ever pet”. First time after ages I felt that childlike happiness that made my heart warm and jumpy, just from her laughing like a little girl. Little did we both know, what was to come. What she endured with me. It escaped from our world before we did, and it got replaced just as fast.
She would sit as still as she could whilst trembling out of her control. Why couldn’t have I just saw it, the way she watched them move through her blurred vision. She needed comfort, she needed what she knew of me, that was me. But it meant that I had to fight myself. Fight myself from something I was so unaware of. Every tear drop she shed, was like poison to my chest. It burnt and it stung and it was so painful and personal, that I wanted to wipe every single one away. But it was as if the poison became addictive, and I wanted more no matter how much I knew it was wrong. She made it easy for more. She was hurt by even small dents in her soul. Why didn’t I make her smile my addictive cause for more?
She gave me my fix; it was out of love until she couldn’t take no more. She became a monsoon but I was too cold. She couldn’t reach me anymore and she was losing what she was. I was losing her and I was becoming increasingly out of control.
They kept swimming. Sometimes they would peak up, for some life and support. She no longer was watching them, maybe they felt a discomfort now of some sort. They knew they would soon be replaced in what is their small home. But my heart was no longer warm or a home for nothing anymore. Because in one night I realised, she was irreplaceable.